To forwarn you, the response to the article that came out about me is a few pages long, I ask you read it all as this is a serious matter. The article covers a very serious topic, not to mention my life, so it requires a serious response. I promise, just reading my response will educate and enlighten you and will no doubt make a difference in your life.
Lets get to the facts…
FACT 1: I DID overdose on Carfentanil
I DID over dose on ‘Carafentanil, literally, the world most powerful opiate. 10,000 X strength of morphine. So strong they use it on wild game at zoos and the like. Those who know me I never do things by half/ moderately. I will forever owe my life to my wife who gave who provided CPR on me and the ambulance officers who figured out what was in my system and gave me the necessary anti-serum.
As it was the 1st time I used a narcotic in a long time ( I ‘lapsed’ into using a drug – drug recovery terminology for a person who battles with addiction of all sorts – alcohol, work-addiction, relationship & sex, exercise, heroin, food etc and for whatever reason uses their drug of choice after long abstinence ) My system was so clean of drugs, the amount I used in the past for pleasure nearly killed me this time – very smart, NOT, for someone who is very smart and should know better.
FACT 2: I am sorry
I stuffed up at the level a 16 year old teenager would. For this I am truly sorry to all those people who modelled their behaviour on me and for whom I was a role model. I never kept my ‘drug past’ and addictions secret, but to ‘relapse’ back into drug use in my 40’s. Is a serious affair. For that I apolagize if I caused any of you feelings of grief, betrayal, shock and a feeling of being let down.
The truth is, addiction – mostly ‘love & sex’. ‘co-dependancy’, ‘work-aholism’, success addiction, food & wine, with a smattering of substances natural & legal and chemical and illicit has always been a challenge for me. I have spent 15 years straight from illicit drugs, thanks to the breathwork.
Suddenly a surfing/ sporting injury resulted in a prescription of strong painkillers and I became another statistic. My willpower was not enough to get the demon under control this time. I liken this round of substance abuse to a monster that never got put to rest in the first place, transforming into spirituality addiction, workaholism, success addiction, love & Sex addiction etc and all this time was waiting in the shadows, waiting, binding it’s time to take over my life – which it did when I was prescribed pain killers and it got the the point I had to take myself of to a Residential Rehab, starting attending NA meetings and now am having weekly drug & alcohol therapy ( took me a while to appreciate alcohol is the same as narcotics to the addicted mind )
FACT 3: I am not perfect. This is what makes me a good therapist.
There is no such thing as a therapist who has got 100% of their stuff together – it’s what makes us good therapists, always something to work on. I go as far as saying the person with the most issues in the room has either a) The potential to be the best therapist, OR b) if they already are a therapist, they are most likely brilliant, because they have went through the REAL UNI of psychotherapy – not reading other people case studies through text books like they do at uni psych degrees still. They have had to do the real inner work (Hard Work) to take themselves out of the hole they have lived in. As a result they have a map to take other people out of there holes, not to mention, they learn how it truly feels to be stuck for years, and the helplessness & hopeless that comes with that, they have went therapist shopping and no doubt tried 1001 techniques and now know what work and what does not, they learnt real empathy and so forth. My experience, the more issue you have the better a therapist you are that is your chosen career.
FACT 2: The newspaper lied. No other drugs were found.
Our retreat was never searched, my bedroom was not even searched, THERE WERE ‘NO QUANTITIES OF DRUGS FOUND/ SIEZED’ as the article claims. The journalist made it sound like our ‘Mandalong Sanctuary’ where people fly from as far as Europe, Saudi Arabia and the U.S., let alone from all around Australia to have access to the most ‘cutting edge’ therapy to naturally deal with their depression, anxiety, sexual abuse issues, dysfunctional parenting issues and the like, the journalist made it sound like our place of ‘Sanctuary’ and healing was like a drug den. I can only feel sorry for those who have so far and will well into the future be turned away from using our services due to some man who though he could make something of himself thru this story. A great social injustice as a neighbour put it. I also pity the poor souls who like me will discover how easy it is to buy drugs thru the internet, for I personally curse the day I came across the ‘DarkNet’ and how easy it was to purchase drugs from the privacy of your own home.
I gave the remaining drug to the ambo with disgust in my voice and the words ‘’get it out of here’’. I was disgusted, with myself, that I ‘gave into a moment of weakness, with myself, that my wonderful wife could have ended up ‘husbandless’ and mostly, I was disgusted with myself, due to so many who people look up to me and depended on me by surrendering, their heads, hearts and souls to me and depend on me to help them make the transition into the next level of their lives, ease their pain and suffering and learn the tools to improve the quality of their lives. These people nearly lost the person they were so depending on. These things I regret the most. To these people I apologize the most and ask for forgiveness.
FACT 5: Jaan Jerabek and addiction – THE FULL TRUTH.
I have always been an addict. I have always made this clear to my students and clients. If I was not over the top obsessed with skateboarding and remote control model plane making in my early teens, by my early teens I found my ultimate addiction. Exploring Consciousness. I started meditating at age 14 for 1 – 2 hours a day. I the read about a Doctor of psychiatry started dosing his patients with LSD and how he discovered ‘Holotropic Breathwork’ thru this. It is the main style of breathing technique I still use, as it is the only psychotherapeutic technique that works – the Connected Breathing part, somehow ‘dissolves the barrier between conscious & unconscious’ to gain access to very, very early repressed memories. I do not use drugs of any form in my psychotherapeutic retreats. If anything I help people come off their ‘drug of choice’ By my teens I was addicted to using a combination of drugs and meditation techniques (the Cathartic Breathwork being the main meditation technique I refer to), in order to explore the boundaries and full depths of consciousness. I saw by my late teens my drug use had turned into drug abuse and I came out of denial I was a drug addict. I at the time used Cathartic Breathwork to deal with my drug addiction aspect of my consciousness exploration and it kept me ‘sober’/ drug free for approx. 15 years.
The “relapse’’ into full blown drug use occurred approx. 6 years ago, I was given morphine for a shoulder/ surfing sporting injury, at a time I was in my 14 years of full time training therapists thru group work and I was burnt out in such a major way, I was experiencing the classic symptoms PTSD – Post Traumatic Dis-order Symptom sufferers such as Police, Firemen, etc experience. I was still in denial as my ego fed on my ‘high profile’ Breathwork Therapist, The income that came with it & the being labelled as one of Australia’s best personal development leader that had people fly in from all around the world the attend my programs – not to mention the results I got for people. I was addicted to transforming people’s lives for the better. So, the combo of facilitating trauma release programs since age 20 ( professionals say after 3-5 years full time as a therapist you need to change jobs into a totally different field or you will burn out ), here I was in my approx. 20th year of full time trauma release specialist work, an undealt with inner drug addict who just needed a doctor to prescribe strong morphine for a shoulder injury to rear its head again, my specialist trauma release work, is just that, I do not just not just ‘talk about people’s pain and abuse’ but using a technique which each time releases such powerful emotions that I would literally ‘swim’ in people’s grief, terror, rage, shame & guilt,…. All of this finally got to me. I learnt my limits. I was not untouchable. I started to experience the same full blown symptoms of PTSD. Youthful arrogance. People close to me wondered how I stayed sane thru all this…The number of times my wife told me she was watching me ‘not cope’ and I should take a year or two from mywork. If only more of us men listened to our wives. I CERTAINLY DID NOT, I STARTED TO SELF MEDICATE IN A BIG WAY AFTER MY SURFING INJURY AND INTRODUCTION TO PAIN KILLERS. MY DRUG ADDICTION CAME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE TO deal with what had become my full blown mid – life crisis, drug addiction and break -down.
AS mentioned, I ended up booking myself into a residential rehab, then a residential Post Traumatic Healing Program, NA Groups and now I see my Drug and Alcohol specialist once or twice a week and have much more supervision and debriefing.
I nearly lost my life, my career and possible my wonderful wife. I am 1 – 2 out of 10, not 9 – 10 out of 10 out of the severity of my addiction. 10 out of 10 on the scale of drugs running my life. 0 doesn’t even enter my mind – but ask people even after 30 years straight what does that look like – they still dream about it.
I can finally celebrate, it was unfortunate my hitting the rock bottom was so public and grande, but so much goodness came out of this private hell.
My ego and arrogance has been dismantled by my addiction like no other therapy along the road could (and I had seen my 1st psychotherapist at age 10) could – and believe me, I have come across and spent time with/ had therapy with/ been trained by/ the best of the best. It took the drugs to help me really come out of denial how lonely, alone, isolated, desperately needy, and how terrified a child in a grown up mans body I really am.
If this coming out of denial is not enough of a reward itself, what comes with it truly is.
I can now really help people going thru own midlife crisis and what really works and what does not work with addiction. It has made me wiser, more my age, It has made me want to start my own family and most importantly it has left me in a place where I can more authentically & genuinely connect with people in a meaningful and genuine way.
I am lucky that I have students who I have trained for many years all around Australia and students here in Sydney who can see past my demons & limitations and still refer people to me, because they see that this has only left me older, wiser, more authentic and an even better therapist.
To you reading this and considering working with me or not, I hope you too can trust me. I have a lot of experience and skill to offer…when you make therapy an addiction and become obsessed with it like I did from my teens onwards, and live the life and facilitate the number of programs I have at the level at the level I have,…well,… the benefits are very different than if you read about other people’s case studies in text books at the Psychology section of your local Uni library.
My life has been very rich in good and bad ways. It has left me with experience that you can benefit from immeasurably.
I hope to meet you soon.
Especially at my 7 Day Residential I will be hosting in October 2018 at the Sunshine Coast.
In advance I thank you for your trust.
Jaan Sanaam Jerabek