Self Worth/ Self Love. We all aspire to having a high degree of self worth, though very few of us entered adulthood with our sense of self worth intact. If you are one of the lucky few you most probably have a high degree of self esteem and confidence, you feel good about yourself experiencing self honour and dignity, you have easy and smooth flowing relationships, you have your financial reality mastered and are free of addictions. Addictions ranging from drugs/alcohol, food, workaholism and even an addiction to misery are not in your experience. The rest of us though, who entered adulthood with low self worth experience the opposite.
I have been running programmes on self worth for 5 years now and the 12 years before that the programmes I designed & facilitated were really the lead up to, and the beginning of the evolution of my ‘Self Worth’ programmes.
You see, no matter what the issue is in your life, whether it is anxiety or depression, relationship issues, money issues, life purpose issues, spiritual disconnection… all of these life challenges have at their foundation your Self worth wounding.
Self Worth wounding has at its core your heart wounding. The more your heart has been wounded and the more it is shut down, the greater the issue you have with your Self worth. It is through accessing your deeply buried grief, and the anger that usually covers it up, that will result in your Self Worth becoming healed and healthy again.
All of our heart wounding issues are a result of a ‘perceived’ loss of love. Perceived, because we have never lost love. How can we? We come from love, are an expression of love, are simply love itself. Everything is love because God who is everything is love in essence. The child’s mind and reactiveness unfortunately does not have the maturity to know this yet, hence every time we experienced not having our emotional needs met, we decided it was a case of not being loved. This happens very easily we are now discovering through modalities such as ‘Cathartic Style Breathwork’. It is very subtle. For even the act of being fully present to someone is an experience for that person of being loved. Consciousness itself is love. Every time therefore a child experiences mum and dad’s full presence and attention they feel loved by them, because mum and dad’s consciousness is love flowing towards the child. They feel seen, acknowledged and validated on a soul level. They feel worthy of this love the more they experience their parents full awareness and presence. How many of us can truthfully say that mum and dad were fully present to us, and they felt fully seen, acknowledged and validated as a result? Not many of us. As a result we decided on some level we were not worthy of their love, or something was ‘wrong with us’ so we did not receive it, or we were not good enough to receive it. And as a result we started to treat ourselves in the way we perceived we were being treated. For as an adult, yes, we treat others as we treat ourselves, but as children it is the other way around and we treat ourselves how we perceive others are treating us. This results in, yes you guessed it, us not loving ourselves. Low Self Worth.
This is something so subtle that even people who have ‘good memories’ of their childhood and believe mum and dad fully loved them eventually discover that since mum and dad could not be with them 24/7 because it was simply impractical, and because mum and dad were either too caught up in their pain, too in their head or simply absent a lot, soon uncover memories that there were instances that they decided they were not being loved. Many people have their life explained to them when they hit these deeply buried memories through Breathwork. Suddenly they discover the ‘mysterious’ depression and relationship issues are not so mysterious but have a base in what I call ‘Subtle Trauma’ not ‘Gross Trauma’ such as sexual abuse, neglect, emotional/mental abuse etc
The road to healing self worth is very simple. People have to access these painful episodes of their childhood and let themselves feel the emotions. In the re-experiencing of the grief/sadness that resulted from this ‘perceived’ loss of love, they start to heal their ‘heart wounding’ hence their self worth. The more you let yourself grieve, the more the Self Worth heals. This is the 1st step and the most important step. People need to take personal responsibility for their childhood ‘mis-interpretations’ and the ‘real’ emotional pain that comes with these ‘mis-interpretations. People need to make their emotional healing through genuine therapy, not reading self help books and self analysis, a #1 priority if they want a higher sense of self worth.
The 2nd step is just as crucial . Since their whole life had a foundation of low Self worth, those who suffer from low self worth have to start putting into practice, through action on the material plane, Self Worth/ Self Love in Action. For ‘Love’ is a verb. Love is a doing word. Self Love therefore is taking actions that people with high Self Worth take. Self Love is not hugging yourself and feeling good about yourself – even though that comes into play automatically. The 2nd step is about reclaiming your power that was lost along with self worth and speaking your truth to people, standing up for yourself by putting in place boundaries and ‘re-defining’ who you are in the world ( a person with a new level of Self Worth) and what you will and will not put up with. Boundaries are the next crucial step after the emotional work is done, they are actually put into place as you continue the emotional work. The next step, the 3rd step, is letting go of the ‘should’s’ in life and asking yourself ‘do I really want to?’ .Letting go from your life what brings misery and struggle, and giving yourself life circumstances that bring joy. Many people skip the 1st two steps and jump to this one and wonder why things do not work out when they leave their 9 to 5 job and find that they cannot manifest a life that will bring them joy. The inner reality has not shifted yet, and since the inner reality is always going to be reflected in the outer reality. The negative inner reality will sabotage the outer reality eventually. Finally the 4th step is taking steps towards your dream life and staying committed to actualizing it.
It is like gears of a car though. Unless you do the deep inner, heart wounding healing work, than boundary work as the 1st and 2nd gear, you will not go into 3rd & 4th gear easily.
Self Love is an Action.
Jaan Sanaam Jerabek has been facilitating emotional release therapy through Breathwork with individuals and groups since the age of 20. He is in his 17th year of private practise and now devotes his time to training therapists and bringing Cathartic style Breathwork to the community through ‘The Depression Solution’.