Why some people heal whilst others stay stuck
Emotional Integration. Sounds fancy… like the expression ‘Emotional Intelligence’… Scientific nearly… Conveys a sense of soul-full-ness and science at the same time… Rightfully so…
Our emotional process has a science to it. Due to modalities such as Cathartic Style Breathwork we are mapping/ categorizing the stages of emotional growth & healing. As a result we are getting the answer to the classic question of why some people heal/ transform their lives and move on, and why some people stay ‘stuck/stagnant/ in misery’ for longer or indefinite time periods.
The answer to this question is very simple… Emotional Integration.
The re-experiencing of ‘Emotional Level Memory’ as opposed to ‘Conceptualization/ theoretical understanding/ mental level insight collecting.
People who enter into any form of therapy will eventually arrive at an understanding that in order to feel better or create change in an area of their life, they usually have to resolve early life or childhood issues. Early life issues such as family of origin issues, school trauma, abuse trauma and the like. They realize that they have to ‘bite the bullet’ and re-visit their past.
The understanding that can be lacking in the collective is the fact that it is simply not enough to just re-visit the past by acknowledging the ‘things’ that happened and then deciding to ‘forgive & forget and move on’.
Anyone has the intelligence to put two and two together and conclude a self analysis with….’’ because mum was not nurturing or emotionally available for me, and dad was absent working all the time and when physically present was not really emotionally present, I decided I was not good enough or worthy enough for their love’’.
This is not healing, this is simply the 1st stage of 4 stages of genuine healing.
I call this the CONCEPTUALIZATION OF ISSUES and AWARENESS / MENTAL LEVEL THEORY stage. It is a good start but does not do much, even if you tell yourself you are good enough and worthy a thousand times in front of the mirror and write a letter of forgiveness and burn it a hundred times.
We all need to go to the 2nd stage, which is the MENTAL LEVEL MEMORY PROCESSING. This is when using one of many regression style techniques available, people are guided to recall specific events in their past. Events during which the age, circumstances and child’s wording of decisions made as a result of an emotional/ unpleasant experience are uncovered. The decisions that need to be recalled are two-fold. Firstly, the core limiting/ negative belief we made about ourselves. Secondly, the core/ limiting behavioural decision. I’ll give an example to make this distinct to the 1st stage, ‘the conceptualization of issues stage’.
Conceptualization of an issue is the before mentioned example, through self reflection and contemplation, coming to the conclusion that you felt not good enough because of something mum or dad did or did not do.
The second stage involves going back to specific instances, the exact age you were, the emotionally charged or unpleasant experience happened, who was involved, how it left you feeling, what you decided about yourself as a result of the experience and how you decided to act & behave from that day forth. The specifics behind the belief ‘not good enough’. Also at this level of understanding people discover the exact child wording of ‘not good enough’, as the concept of ‘not good enough’ is an adult, present day, logical concept. The uncovering of a child worded version is important. The child worded version is what is truly lodges in the unconscious. It may be along the lines of ‘I’m not important to mummy’ or ‘daddy doesn’t care’ etc. Many people at this second stage will start to be set free from the unconscious motivations of their behaviour, actions and self attitudes. Unfortunately I have experienced that only approx 20% of people need to only go so far as the second stage to transform their lives. The rest of us, the other 80%, need to go to the 3rd stage. EMOTIONAL LEVEL MEMORY INTEGRATION. This is when the emotions are felt, hence released from the system. Emotions such as fear, grief, anger, shame and guilt. Most people need to go through this properly to free themselves from the past. It is the emotional energy that gives life to the decisions we made about ourselves. Each decision of ‘I am not important’ or ‘People do not care about me’ has a massive emotional energy charge of fear, grief and anger. This emotional energy charge keeps your core limiting beliefs alive and running your life. Until you discharge the emotional energy charge, your life is used up by these beliefs. No matter how hard you try to change your self talk, reactions and patterns of behaviour. This emotional memory unfortunately needs to be felt often in proportion to the intensity and length of time we experienced it when young. Yes, that’s right! If we lived in a state of fear or grief for a few months when we were young, do you really think we can process those feelings in a session or weekend workshop? Let alone through a mental level insight? Unfortunately no. We usually have to integrate a big chunk of the emotion in a session of emotional release, such as that a session of Cathartic style Breathwork provides and then expect to feel a chunk more of the emotion in life over the next few days to weeks to months sometimes. There is no ‘Magic Bullet’ or way to skip this for most people. There is only ‘Biting the bullet’ by calling upon our reserves of courage and letting ourselves in on our emotional pain. Those who try to avoid this, find that they may make progress through using will power and intention for a while, but eventually find themselves still at the mercy of their ‘case’ and experiencing the same relationship, addiction or abundance issues.
The 4th Stage is the BODY MEMORY INTEGRATION. This stage is effortless if the 3rd stage is done thoroughly. It is the physical body expression of the emotional energy. The punching of pillows and tantruming with our legs to release anger. The curling up in feotal and heaving type sobbing that comes with deep grief and despair, the shaking and tremoring and going cold of the body that is the processing of fear and so forth. All of the movements we wanted to express and release the emotion with in the first place. This results in the genuine version of the popularized expression of ‘Cellular release’. This is when the emotional toxicity that is held in the physical cells is released. This comes out as what the alchemists called ‘putresence’ as toxic breath, sweat, urine and so forth.
So this is what it looks like… If you have done work on an issue or are working on an issue that does not seem to go away… ask yourself, have you really gone to the root of it by firstly uncovering the foundation memories? And most of all have you felt the genuine extent of the emotionality that your system holds around those memories? If the answer is no, at least you know what to aim for. We have been given a great tool that enables people to un-earth the emotional level memory each and every time – Cathartic style Breathwork… It works.
Jaan Jerabek is the founder of TEI and The Depression Solution. He has been in private practise for 15 years and training therapists for the last 8 years full time.