That got your attention aye? You either cringed, gasped, stopped your breath, shuddered or any one of another 10 natural responses…
The truth is though, you are in a relationship with your mum and dad on some level as they are the 1st male and female you ever felt love for or loved by, therefore whatever you have unresolved with them you are playing out with your current adult partner, and you spend most of the time UNCONSCIOUSLY super imposing your mum and dad personalities and issues you have with them onto your current partner!
If this is not happening then it is even worse, you have manifested UNCONSCIOUSLY a partner who is an exact replica of your mum or dads energy and psychology, by naturally following your unconscious blueprints you have around your 1st interactions with the opposite sex when it came to love and getting your emotional needs met! Exciting ain’t it!
Number one primary reason we have issues in relationships as adults is because we haven’t resolved the original issues we have with the first male and female we ever felt and experienced love with, mom and dad. It’s very simple. If a man has relationship issues with another woman, he needs to be looking at his issues unresolved with his mother. If a woman has issues with a male as an adult, she needs to be dealing with issues that are unresolved with her father.
Now, the same-sex parent also comes into the equation. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not always going to be the opposite-sex parent, but about 75% of it is actually going to be the opposite-sex parent or the sex that we’re into as an adult parent. So what people need to do is very simple, emotional work. You guessed it. We need to deal with what is unresolved from our early years. Men need to get off their mom’s boob. Women need to get off their daddy’s knee. We just need to grow up and there’s no way we’re going to grow up, be healthy adults who relate in a healthy way, unless we resolve our childhood pain. Until our childhood pain is resolved, that little child in us who is hurt runs our life and that child who runs our life runs our life the most when it comes to the arena of relationships. It also runs our life in money, work, success, career, all those other places, but especially in relationships. That’s when the child gets really triggered.
Now, one really simple way of looking at it is have a look at the expression ‘co-dependency’. Co-dependency is basically not being whole and complete on our own, having a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves and being dependent on someone outside of ourselves to feel whole and complete, hence co-dependent.
Now, until we get our mom and dad out of our system, until we get them out of our energy system or the aura if you want to call it, they’re always going to be there and we’re always going to be dependent on them. They’re somehow going to run our life. They’ll either show up as a critical, self-judging, self-degrading force, if that’s what we experience from one of our parents, or they’re going to show up as feelings and fears that we’ll be abandoned or left or not loved, if that’s what we experienced with another one of our parents.
It’s always going to be there as a reality if the pain doesn’t leave our system, the pain that we experienced around mom and dad. So if you want to improve your adult relationships, whether it’s your romantic partner, your boss, your friends, you’ve got to deal with your mom and dad stuff. I’ll give you an example in my life of how my unresolved issues with mom and dad dictated my adult relationship career for a long time.
After the age of 19 when I first experienced my big heartbreaking, my first big getting dumped basically, a lot of pain came up. I thought it had purely do to with the girl who had just dumped me. Now, I went from one relationship to another experiencing very similar pain and very similar patterns. What I got to see very quickly was my first heartbreak and the following few brought up all my case that I had unresolved with my mom and the case was very straightforward. I didn’t feel I was loved because there was something wrong with me and I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to be loved.
When I really got a grasp on how this was running my relationships the next level of awareness opened up and that was I got to see why no matter what I tried or did, I’d always find myself falling in love with women who were either old enough to be my mom, so it wasn’t realistic, that was very revealing in itself, lived overseas or about to move overseas or interstate, so it didn’t have a future, were already in a partnership, so it didn’t have a future, were way too different to me, totally misaligned values and goals, so it never lasted long term or, simply, they just weren’t interested in me.
But then the women who did want to be in a relationship with me and did approach me and did declare their love for me, I’d shy away from them. You know I’d find them really icky. I’d think of 101 things wrong with them why I wouldn’t go there and it then hit me, really straightforward. I lived in a reality internally that I wasn’t good enough to be loved. So I’d always fall in love with women where I’d feel not having my love needs meet and I’d feel I wasn’t being loved. And then to let in a woman’s love who was interested was too alien to my psychology. It didn’t align with what I really believed inside about myself, so thats why, obviously, I found 101 wrong things with the women who were interested in me.
You know, this went on for years, I was totally at the mercy of this. This is how profound our early decision making is. The belief that I’m not loved because there’s something wrong with me and I’m not good enough or worthy to be loved, I decided when I was four years old. That’s how long those beliefs hold and shape our life as an adult. It’s incredible.
So, if you want to improve your adult relationships, not react like a child in your romantic relationships, be free of the fears and angst and frustrations that come up in your romantic relationships…do you inner/ emotional work. Use Cathartic Breathwork that enables you to release pain around unmet emotional and love needs from childhood and this will enable you to stop being driven by beliefs such as ‘’I am not worthy, not wanted, not loved, not good enough to be loved’’ etc. Make sure it is Cathartic Style Breathwork or you will be paying hard earned money for an ‘interesting breathing meditation/ spiritual exploration’ that some forms of Breathwork offer. People need the grounded emotional therapy approach Breathwork to become truly free from the past!
Jaan Jerabek is the Director of The Anxiety & Depression Solution and runs ‘Global Transformative Education’ the largest Breathwork Therapy & Training Organization in the Southern Hemisphere. Jaan has just released ‘The Secrets to a Loving Relationship’ DVD for singles and couples alike. He can be reached on 1300 500 881 or go to: www.jaanjerabek.com